If you’re like me, you probably scrutinize your performance as a mom. You might feel like you don’t measure up to other moms, or that you’re not doing a good job. Welcome to “mom guilt.”
Mom’s notoriously feel guilty about the choices they make. It can be the really big choices like whether to stay home or go to work, whether to breastfeed or formula feed, whether to sleep train or bed share, whether to homeschool or choose public/private education, and when and how to start solid foods. But it can also be the smaller, daily choices and decisions. Taking a shower or bubble bath rather than folding laundry, ordering food instead of cooking at home, and even meeting a friend for coffee can all elicit feelings of guilt.
But here’s the thing I’ve noticed, no matter what the choice, or which side of the debate I land on, I still feel guilty. Even when I know what I’m doing is the best thing for my child and my family, or the only option that works in the moment, I still wonder if I’ve made the right choice. I doubt myself. I feel guilty that I might not have done my best or been my best.
And I even feel guilty on both sides. When my son was four months old I went back to work as a teacher so that I could complete my contract for the year. My son was being cared for by my parents, who lived about 4 miles from the school where I worked. And still I felt guilty. It was excruciating. I felt like I wasn’t being a good mom when I was at work, even though I knew he was in the good and loving hands of his grandparents. And I felt like I wasn’t a good enough teacher either, because I now had less time for planning and prepping and grading. I felt like I couldn’t give 100% to either. And it led to self doubt and lack of confidence in both areas.
I saw a survey recently about what the things that moms feel most guilty about. The list included:
- Getting frustrated with their kids/families, not being patient enough
- Taking time for themselves to do anything
- Leaving kids at home with a caregiver for work or social events
- Using the TV or a movie as a “babysitter” in order to work, clean, have a moment to themselves
- Not being able to “fix it” when the baby is crying
- Being on their phones (either for work or just scrolling)
- Not spending enough waking hours with babies, children, etc
These feelings of guilt affect our self confidence and self worth. But we can turn to The Bible and see what God says about guilt.
Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” When we are in Christ there is no condemnation for us. Jesus took that condemnation in our place. We don’t have to feel condemned or guilty when we’re caring for our families.
Psalm 103:12 “As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us.” Now I’m not saying that things like sleep training or baby led weaning are transgressions, but if they were they would be forgiven and removed. So if God will do that for the really big transgressions imagine how He can handle all the small/daily stuff.
What can we do to help with Mom Guilt? My biggest piece of advice is to treat yourself the same way you treat other people, but also try to do the following things:
- Practice self compassion instead of self comparison (maybe take a social media break, if seeing other moms’ posts is triggering feelings of guilt and inadequacy)
- Turn to your “village” and support network rather than your guilty thoughts
- Practice gratitude for all that you have. It is hard to feel negative emotions when you are focusing on gratitude.
- Give yourself the grace that you give to others.
- Allow yourself to get it wrong sometimes. Babies don’t learn to walk without falling down. Toddlers don’t learn to talk without getting the words wrong sometimes. Allow yourself to get it wrong and show yourself grace. You are teaching your children an important lesson by doing so.
Remember that many moms before you have felt guilt, and probably for the same things you do. Give yourself grace. Let yourself feel what you feel, but also remind yourself how God sees you. Remind yourself that your children are watching, and that how you handle things when you get it wrong will likely be how they handle things too.
You’ve got this mama!! Let that guilt go, and get back to being the best mom you can be.
And then take a guilt free bubble bath.
