We realize that our relationship is not necessarily the norm. You won’t find a lot of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law teams in most businesses, and maybe especially in podcasts. Add to that the fact that we discuss subjects that are notorious points of contention and the fact that we love each other and get along means we have created a rare partnership.
Saying that it comes easily for us might not win us extra points or friendships, especially to anyone who has a difficult relationship with an in-law, but it is the truth. It’s not because we’ve taken any classes, ore read any books. We haven’t found any podcasts about having a healthy relationship with in-laws. And we haven’t had lots of role models to learn from, or model our relationship after. Because let’s face it, the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law dynamic is often strained. Or volatile. And if you look to TV and movies for examples you’ll have a hard time deciding which relationship is the worst.
You can look at Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond, who did anything and everything to sabotage her daughter-in-law and to drive a wedge between her son and his wife. Or look at the oldest Lorelei Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. She was cruel and condescending to her daughter-in-law. I could go on and on, but I watched these shows making mental notes to never, ever treat my daughter-in-law like these characters did.
My friends and I made pacts early in our marriages, to call each other out if we saw even a hint of this kind of behavior. And of course I made the conscious decision that I would not only refer to my daughter-in-law as my daughter-in-love, but I would think of her that way and treat her that way. Always. Cayden is a blessing so it is easy for me to say and do. But it is still a decision that I have made.
Cayden and I have pretty similar personalities and parenting styles so there aren’t many things that we even disagree about. On those rare occasions that we do disagree or choose to do things differently, we also choose to do so respectfully and without judgment. That makes a huge difference.
If Cayden asks for my advice or asks about how I handled some issue in the past, and then she chooses to do things differently, I have a choice to make. I can choose to take it personally and think that if she’s making a different choice it must be because she thinks I did things wrong. Or I can look at her respectfully and realize that she is making the best choice for her and her family and it isn’t a reflection of what I did in the past. It can be a different choice without having to hold the label of good or bad, better or worse. BUT, it is also important to recognize when things are better and admit that and want what’s better for their marriage and for my grandchildren. That doesn’t take away from what i did or who I was as a mom.
We read a Porch study recently that said 70% of couples say the relationship with their in-laws put a strain on their marriage. That is a huge and shocking statistic. Neither of us want that. Neither of us want to contribute to strain in the other’s marriage. So we put together a list of our top tips for a healthy relationship with the in-laws. We aren’t experts by any means. But with statistics like 70% I would say it can’t hurt to try what has worked for us.
